If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
