I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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