I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i barfeds in our rink
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
