dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
