I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
