note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
