Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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