Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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