Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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