Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
