I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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