I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
