well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
