LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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