I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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