I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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