so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
