Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
