i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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