first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
