Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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