1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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