do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
