that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Found the puke drawer
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
