Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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