Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
