Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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