could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
