I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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