i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
