I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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