He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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