Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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