i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
