It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
