Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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