im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just forgot I was standing up.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
