I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
