Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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