He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm always down for nudity.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
