guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
