The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
