I want to walk on stilts...naked
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
