I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
