her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
