My Higher Power is John Stamos
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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