Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
