Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
