Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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