i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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