I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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